The concept of love is an unusual thing to me. I was in a relationship with someone who I thought I could see myself with for the rest of my life. While I never told him this, there were times when I would as myself if I was in love with him. I’m glad I never got the courage to say anything because he kicked me to the curb like yesterday’s pizza. I wish I could say that I am not hurt or angry or sad, but I am all of these things plus some. I am hurt because I gave this person so much of me, and not so much personal things because there are things about me that he does not know. Things that only a few people know about because they are too painful to talk about. I gave him so much of my time. I would plan my day around when I would be able to see him and while everyone wants to be with their significant other, I realized he didn’t really do the same for me. I was jumping through hurdles while he was laying on the couch.
The relationship wasn’t all bad, but I am pissed because I gave so much only to have been told “it was going to happen eventually.” What do you mean it was going to happen eventually?? Do you mean to tell me that this has something that has been on your mind for a long time, and you’re just brining it up? I guess that’s what he meant because he broke up with me and while he seemed a little sincere I’m having a hard time believing that he is upset by any of this.
I’m dealing with the pain of wanting to hate him with every fiber of my being and being thankful that he called this off. I want to hate him because I thought we were good for each other. He made me want to be a better person, he pushed me to write and go to the gym and to look at things more realistically than I normally do. I want to hate him because he broke my heart. I want to hate him because he did not make time for me like I deserve. I want to hate him because he made me feel like most of our fights were my fault when really I was just looking for affection.
I can’t hate him though because he has helped me more than he knows. One memory I will always remember is the night he calmed me down from a panic attack. I had double vision and my body was numb. I literally felt like I was going to die. I woke him up in the middle of the night to turn the light on because I was scared. He held me close to his chest and told me to breathe with him. I fell asleep to our breaths in sync. I’ll remember how he was there for me when my godfather died suddenly, and when I was stressing about school and complaining about work.
The thing is, I don’t want to think about the good times right now because I want to hate him. I think that is the only way I can get over my first serious relationship. Just remember all of the reasons why he was not good for me.
I’m still hurting and I know it will take time but I am too impatient to mend a broken heart.