a beautiful ending

We broke up four days ago and I have cried every day since. Some days more than others. I know I am going to get through this, but knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t make the journey any easier.
I wish I could say I didn’t see it coming, but I did. It was a strange time because I thought we were all good. I thought we had more time, but things don’t always happen the way you want them to. I seem to be learning that a lot in recent months.
I now know he didn’t feel the same way I did and that hurts. More than I could ever admit out loud. I’m glad we have finally gotten the dreaded moment out of the way because we can put it past us and move on with our lives.
Now it is time to focus on my career. This is where I become the best person that I can be. It’s the only thing I really can do. While I don’t really want to admit it, there’s a void where he used to be.
During the relationship, I wasn’t strong and independent. I depended on him much more than I would like to admit. I used him to help fill the gaps that I’ve created because of my own insecurities and that wasn’t fair, to him or to me.
My mother always taught me to not care about boys because a boy would never help me get far in life. She told me to never get married, or wait until I was much older to be in love with someone. She told me to never tell a boy I loved him because then that made me weak. I needed to be strong and independent.
I was always confused why she would tell me these things when she married my dad at a young age and they are happy now. I finally get it. Telling a boy you love him doesn’t make you weak, but I don’t want to tell someone I love them until I love myself and what I am doing with my life. I can’t expect a man to fill any of the holes in my life. I have to take responsibility for myself and learn to be the strong woman that my mother raised me to be.
I am going to let myself cry because it’s okay to cry over someone you cared about, but it’s not okay to let that consume your life. It’s time to shake the heartache off my back.
I’m going to focus on my career. I am going to focus on getting healthy and getting my body in shape. After all, if I want to make it as a journalist I probably need to be in the best possible shape I can be.
I’m excited for this chapter in my life. It’s hard ending something you had hoped would last but I know there is so much more for me than a boy. This last year and a half has shaped me and I’m excited to take what I have learned and use it to become the person I am supposed to be.
This is my closure.


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